Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
