Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
