...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
