I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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