Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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