Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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