Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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