we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
