he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
