i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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