It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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