Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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