she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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