I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
