There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
