I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
