Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
