Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
