You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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