SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
