11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
