You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
