Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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