The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
