the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
