dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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