i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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