I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
