A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
