You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
