mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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