i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
