I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
organizing the empties. That sober.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
