There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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