i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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