Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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