I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
