Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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