just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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