I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
