Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
