Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
