So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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