im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
God, I missed his penis.
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