if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
