I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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