What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
