I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
