Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
