My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
