HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
